The Love We Never Had

Why do I miss you the way I do today?

 It’s just over 5 years since we met, not the actual “on this day” – I can’t even remember the date – only “around about this time”. The memory is hazy: a broad, dark, ominous figure standing over me, your voice deep and authoritative, ordering everyone around here-there-and-everywhere, saying my name over and over again. And then later, my necklace moving between your fingers, gold and green flashing left to right – quiet contemplation as you tried to defuse the situation. Your presence was authoritative, commanding – electrifying.  You were everywhere. You were all I could feel, all I could sense. You were a stranger, but you were there and you were my protector.

Bronze Commander – that’s what they called you. I didn’t even know what that meant, until they told me. You shouldn’t even have been there that night, but you were; called into the unknown to a situation at a 14th floor apartment in the centre of the big bad city, to find me – pathetic, childlike me! I was sloshed, making threats that everyone knew I wouldn’t follow through with. What was even the matter? Why was I so low? Something to do with not living up to everyone’s expectations – yes, that was it.

Much later, it would only take a second for your heart to rule your mind.

Heavy clouds were closing in over the darkening landscape, the wind lashed at our faces and the rain had started to come – not unusual for a summer’s day in West Yorkshire. We were running out of time, well aware that as soon as we reached the top of the hill we’d have to grit teeth, clench fists and deal with the unavoidable shit reality would bring.  It would have taken less effort to push the Cow over the brim of that hill – every ounce of my being was clinging to the last fragile threads of that moment, willing the earth to stand just for a minute more.  You were my calm, my rock, but also the calm that brought the storm and the force that shattered my world.

‘There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice’ – F Scott Fitzgerald

You had all of me.  And then one day, you were gone.