I’ve just walked out of my second recovery thingy of the week, which proves that Wednesday was not just an off day. I’ve always struggled with AA, but sitting there in tonight’s meeting – staring at the back of the same heads, listening to the same old recovery story – I realised that this just isn’t for me. Everyone is lovely (those who acknowledge you anyway) but I’m just not grasping it the same as I do with NA. Is it me, or is everyone’s share the same: here’s an account of when I started drinking; here’s how it transpired throughout adolescence; then when I became an adult; then suddenly I couldn’t stop, stopped washing my hair, didn’t want to get out of bed; then I found AA, so here I am. The End.
My cynical voice is coming out again, which I really hate, but it’s so hard to quiet it when I feel so disillusioned with the whole damn thing. I appreciate everyone has their own story and it doesn’t matter how dramatic their rock bottom was, it still had an impact on their lives and forced them to take stock on their relationship with alcohol. But for me, addiction is so much more than just about the substance. Alcohol, coke, crack, smack – whatever it was, it was just the tip of the iceberg.
I want someone just to say: ‘my life became unmanageable. This is what made me stop and this is how AA/NA/the Step programme made/makes sure I stay stopped’. As I’m writing this, the answer is flashing in my mind: unity, togetherness, that amazing feeling knowing you’re not on your own and that people get you. I get this with NA but I don’t with AA – weird, right?
I’m sure I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll quietly feel bad for faking a migraine, promise to be more patient next time, and try another meeting this week where the set up is more inclusive (i.e. doesn’t involve staring at the back of someone’s head). But then how long do I have to keep “giving this a go”? Do I just accept the fact that I’m not getting it and stay focused on NA? Or do I give it another month? One thing I do know is that I should not make any rash decisions while I’m due-on, hungry and generally feeling meh.
Tomorrow is a new day. And I don’t have AA. Halle-fucking-lujah.